How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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