i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
