I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
