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my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
