I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my sisters under your porch take her home
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
