we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
