I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
