Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
