It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
