She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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