If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
