just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
