I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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