I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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