my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
