if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
