I got chris browned last night
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
