Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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