so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
