How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
