planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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