she woke up with a sticky ear
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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