Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
