I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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