Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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