So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
