I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
