Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
