Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
