I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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