I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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