if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
