it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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