my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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