U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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