My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
