I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
