I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
