sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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