Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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