you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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