My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Randomize
