i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
