Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
