Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
