I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
