so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
