I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
