You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
