Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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