Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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