last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
